That was an interesting experience talking to engaged couples last Saturday. I really had this overwhelming desire to pour into them. I'm no marriage expert, I'll leave that to the 40th-ers and 50th-ers who duke it out that long.
But it struck me how green you are when you get married. I know I was. I think I was typical. There is so much that happily married "older" couples can help to prepare the Newbies. And yet, I don't know if most couples can absorb it.
Our friend Kathleen, who invited us to speak, said something about not being able to hear certain things when she was preparing for marriage. And I agree that I was probably the exact same way.
You are so IN LOVE. And you are busy with THE WEDDING. Who wants to hear some old farts going on about the rigors and trials of marital bliss?
So much is poured into the BIG DAY, but not much is invested in the BIG REST OF IT.
But that is what the newlyweds need. To hear the truth about marriage, so they can have the best marriage possible. It is a lifelong, character-shaping event, it is sometimes difficult, mostly awesome. It is totally worth it. And it takes investing in, even before the big day. (Mia)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Natural Family Planning Brings Success
Last week we did a presentation for the marriage preparation class at Nativity on Natural Family Planning. In preparing for the presentation we did some research. In looking at the figures, the disparity between two figures struck me. 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce. On the other hand, couples that use Natural Family Planning have essentially a 99 percent success rate. Actually less than one percent of couples who use Natural Family Planning don’t go the distance and get a divorce.
Jesus said that we can evaluate practices and people by their fruit. I think the fruit of NFP shows its superiority to contraception. NFP is sadly the best kept secret in a successful marriage.
Why wouldn’t any newly married couple choose to go the route of NFP? This is the most important relationship you have outside of God, wouldn’t you do everything you could do to set it up for success. I understand many couples we were addressing were probably already having sex and using some form of artificial contraception, but my hope is that figure caused the couples we were addressing to pause. And I would really challenge any couple that had that information and believed us who chose to ignore that stat, how much they really valued their future marriage. If you want to win, do what proves to be successful. Don’t copy something that has a 40 percent failure rate.
What are your reactions to that statistic on Natural Family Planning? Do you believe them?
Jesus said that we can evaluate practices and people by their fruit. I think the fruit of NFP shows its superiority to contraception. NFP is sadly the best kept secret in a successful marriage.
Why wouldn’t any newly married couple choose to go the route of NFP? This is the most important relationship you have outside of God, wouldn’t you do everything you could do to set it up for success. I understand many couples we were addressing were probably already having sex and using some form of artificial contraception, but my hope is that figure caused the couples we were addressing to pause. And I would really challenge any couple that had that information and believed us who chose to ignore that stat, how much they really valued their future marriage. If you want to win, do what proves to be successful. Don’t copy something that has a 40 percent failure rate.
What are your reactions to that statistic on Natural Family Planning? Do you believe them?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Talkin' Smack
Over Christmas we took a walk one night with Mia’s brother Chris and his wife Jamie. On on our walk we were talking about telemarketers. Jamie said she had one telemarketer that kept calling her and bothering her. She said one time she was with her older son Declan who is five and the phone rang. She said to Declan, “That’s probably daddy.” Instead of being her husband, it was this telemarketer. Jamie said she was so fed up she yelled into the phone, “I told you never to call me ever again. Never call me again!!!” And she hung up the phone. Declan said, “Mommy, was that daddy?” Jamie assured him that it wasn’t Chris. Declan responded, “You would never talk to daddy like that, right? You would never tell him not to call you, right?”
We laughed when we heard that story, but it was also a great reminder that the best way for us to love our kids is to love our spouse. Our kids find stability when there is stability in our relationship.
(Mia) Honestly I hate it when I hear a wife call her husband a name or vice versa. It sends out a cloud of poison and disrespect. Everyone can relate to being mad at your spouse and being tempted to vent at them, but when you know your kid is looking up at you, their innocence and need for things to be good and true, has to overwhelm the situation. What makes that story so funny is the disparity between being clear and firm and loud to a telemarketer and the horror of Declan’s misunderstanding. “OF COURSE, that wasn’t Daddy, how could it be? It couldn’t possibly be Daddy, because I would never send that vitriol toward him. I love him.”
I think some couples think it doesn’t matter, the little reactions to a spouse, but that is a lie. All it does is lay the foundation, comment by comment, utterance by utterance for a final attitude shift toward disrespecting and ultimately despising your spouse.
It takes hard work to just say what you feel without dropping bombs. It makes you vulnerable. It feels safer hiding behind ridicule, names and sarcasm. It’s so much easier to get mad than just address the issue. But that’s not where love is. It will never be found there. Love is direct. And vulnerable. Love hides out in the open when you just say what’s on your mind and in your heart. Taking that risk challenges your spouse to respond in kind.
(Tom) Harsh and disrespectful words towards our spouse not only harms our relationship with our spouse, it harms our kids and weakens their future relationships.
We laughed when we heard that story, but it was also a great reminder that the best way for us to love our kids is to love our spouse. Our kids find stability when there is stability in our relationship.
(Mia) Honestly I hate it when I hear a wife call her husband a name or vice versa. It sends out a cloud of poison and disrespect. Everyone can relate to being mad at your spouse and being tempted to vent at them, but when you know your kid is looking up at you, their innocence and need for things to be good and true, has to overwhelm the situation. What makes that story so funny is the disparity between being clear and firm and loud to a telemarketer and the horror of Declan’s misunderstanding. “OF COURSE, that wasn’t Daddy, how could it be? It couldn’t possibly be Daddy, because I would never send that vitriol toward him. I love him.”
I think some couples think it doesn’t matter, the little reactions to a spouse, but that is a lie. All it does is lay the foundation, comment by comment, utterance by utterance for a final attitude shift toward disrespecting and ultimately despising your spouse.
It takes hard work to just say what you feel without dropping bombs. It makes you vulnerable. It feels safer hiding behind ridicule, names and sarcasm. It’s so much easier to get mad than just address the issue. But that’s not where love is. It will never be found there. Love is direct. And vulnerable. Love hides out in the open when you just say what’s on your mind and in your heart. Taking that risk challenges your spouse to respond in kind.
(Tom) Harsh and disrespectful words towards our spouse not only harms our relationship with our spouse, it harms our kids and weakens their future relationships.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Generations
A few weeks ago, I (Tom) was staring at pictures of our kids. As I looked at them, I began to thank God for each of them. After a few minutes, I felt inspired to begin praying not only for them, but for their children and their children’s children, and generations to come. I began praying for descendants we don’t even know, but will only exist because of our marriage.
When it comes to marriage, we often get caught in the mundane and the daily aspects of life. However, it is vital to remember how much really depends on our marriages and families. We not only are impacting our kids and their lives, we are impacting generations in some way. The choices we make now and our willingness to model for our kids a healthy marriage will continue to have an impact long after we are gone.
Isaiah 59 says, “And as for this is my covenant with them, says the Lord: my spirit which is upon you, and my words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouth of your children, or out of the mouth of your children’s children says the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore.”
(Mia) It is definitely true that we model what they will come to expect in marriage. That perspective gives me an urgent motivation to do what I need to do to be a loving wife. It is so easy to get mad and petty in disputes, and there have been times when I have forced myself to address an issue or apologize for the sake of the kids. I didn’t want to, or wasn’t ready to, but I knew I had to. I want them to look forward to marriage, if that is God’s plan for them, with joy and truth.
So I have also prayed for them, asking God to bless our kids with good spouses. People who love God first, love their faith and are committed to reflecting God’s love to my kids. Our daughter Elsa asked me one night before bedtime, “Mama, who am I going to marry?” She is 3. And though I was sorely tempted to tell her what types NOT to marry, I told her, he has to be a good man, like her Papa. I hope she listens, because he is definitely giving her a standard to aim for and paving the way for a good future.
How does thinking of future generations impact your approach to marriage?
When it comes to marriage, we often get caught in the mundane and the daily aspects of life. However, it is vital to remember how much really depends on our marriages and families. We not only are impacting our kids and their lives, we are impacting generations in some way. The choices we make now and our willingness to model for our kids a healthy marriage will continue to have an impact long after we are gone.
Isaiah 59 says, “And as for this is my covenant with them, says the Lord: my spirit which is upon you, and my words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouth of your children, or out of the mouth of your children’s children says the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore.”
(Mia) It is definitely true that we model what they will come to expect in marriage. That perspective gives me an urgent motivation to do what I need to do to be a loving wife. It is so easy to get mad and petty in disputes, and there have been times when I have forced myself to address an issue or apologize for the sake of the kids. I didn’t want to, or wasn’t ready to, but I knew I had to. I want them to look forward to marriage, if that is God’s plan for them, with joy and truth.
So I have also prayed for them, asking God to bless our kids with good spouses. People who love God first, love their faith and are committed to reflecting God’s love to my kids. Our daughter Elsa asked me one night before bedtime, “Mama, who am I going to marry?” She is 3. And though I was sorely tempted to tell her what types NOT to marry, I told her, he has to be a good man, like her Papa. I hope she listens, because he is definitely giving her a standard to aim for and paving the way for a good future.
How does thinking of future generations impact your approach to marriage?
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