A few weeks ago, I (Tom) was driving home with my kids. My oldest son Max was giving one of my other sons a hard time. Jokingly, I said to him, “Be easy on him like I am on you.”
Max replied, “You are hard on me.”
I replied, “When am I hard on you.”
“Every day.” He said.
His response hit me right in the heart. It hit me in the heart because I know that is the message he most receives from me. So much of my language is barking orders and making demands on him. So little of my language is encouraging him and pointing out the good things he does.
By nature, I am critical and not encouraging. My tendency is to set high expectations and then demand my kids reach those expectations. To be the parent I want to, I need to work on being more encouraging. As a father, I am the king of the family. My words and my kids' perception of how I see them weighs heavily upon them and makes a huge difference in their life.
Of course as parents we need to teach our children responsibility, but if our language is always the language of demands and requiring performance from our kids, two negative outcomes will happen. One, our kids will eventually run away from us. We are drawn to people who accept and encourage us. Little kids need their parents and so they will return to a relationship with their parents because they have no alternative. However, one our kids grow and mature, they will find approval and acceptance elsewhere. They will stay away from us, if not physically then emotionally.
The second outcome of constantly speaking to our kids in the form of demands and requirements I think is far worst. They will come to see this same image of their heavenly Father and their hearts will be drawn away from him. Many people run from God because they had demanding parents, especially demanding fathers who they thought they could never please and so they want no part of God. They feel like they escaped a demanding father, so why put themselves again under another demanding father.
To be the father, I want to be I need to learn to encourage my kids more. For me I think that requires two action steps.
First, I need to catch my kids doing good. Instead of looking for them to do wrong or only speaking to them when they do wrong, I need to see the good things they do and praise them for it.
Second, I need to watch my words and the ratio of criticism to encouragement. Research shows that for every word of criticism, we need 5 words of encouragement. When I am getting into critical demanding mode all the time, I know I need to encourage my kids through hugs and language that reflects my love for them.
Truett Cathy, founder of Chik Fil A once asked, “How do you know if someone needs encouragement?” Then he answered his own question. He said, “They’re breathing.” Our kids need encouragement every single day. May God give us the strenght to encourage them on a daily basis.
How do you encourage your kids?
Thanks for these words Tom. As a person who is not a natural encourager, this hits home for me as well. I'm becoming someone every day -- the decisions I make today are forming my future self, and my encouragement (or lack of) is setting the tone for the type of parent and father I will be one day down the road. This is a message that I could hear on repeat -- and it's backwards, because I would readily admit that I desire and appreciate encouragement from others... why not be more willing to offer it so readily as well?
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