Wounding Our Kids' Hearts

Our three older boys are playing baseball. This month my  Saturday mornings have been spent at the baseball field from about 8:30 to 12:30 as we have T-ball game, Coach pitch game and then practice for Max which I (Tom) run as the team’s manager.

This past weekend, Nate made two great plays in the field at his T-ball game. When he made the plays, I missed them. I was sure to watch Nate when he came to bat, but usually at T-ball games there isn’t much to watch out in the field so I was paying attention to our two youngest kids. After Nate came of the field, he asked me, “Did you see my plays?” I admitted to Nate that I had missed them. I tried to then tell him I had seen his hits, but that wasn’t the same. I saw the hurt in his eyes that I had missed his plays – plays some other adults had complimented him on.

It was painful to see the hurt in his eyes and yet I don’t believe I could have done anything differently. I was paying attention to my other kids and I don’t want to begin a habit of lying to my kids. It was a reminder that as a parent, I am going to wound my children’s hearts. I am going to hurt their hearts. I don’t want to, but it will happen. Sometimes I will wound them because they will have expectations I just won’t meet. Sometimes I will wound them because they will make me angry and I will yell at them. Either way, I am not perfect and so they will carry wounds as a result of my parenting – it is part of being in a fallen world.

The sooner we can admit the brutal fact we will wound our kids hearts, the sooner we can grow as parents. Knowing we will hurt our kids hearts will allow us to humble ourselves and apologize to them when we do hurt them. If we think we are immune to being wrong with our kids that will lead to a pride that will make us inaccessible to our children.

Knowing we will wound our kids prepares us emotionally to have conversations in the future with our children about their hurts and hang ups. I hope my sons and daughter can by pass the middle man of a counselor and just come to me and tell me that some of their fears or struggles are because I yelled at them or because I missed their great plays in a T-ball game. Our relationship is going to go further, faster if those conversations don’t irritate me, but I am prepared for them.

Do you agree that it is inevitable that we will wound our kids’ hearts?

Not Just About Us

Leading up to our wedding day (almost 14 years ago now), I (Tom) made a comment to my mother in-law to the effect that since it was our wedding and all about us, that really all the decisions about the wedding should be left up to us. My mother in-law responded to this effect, “It isn’t just about you. We are inviting our friends and family to celebrate this day. Your parents are celebrating this day with their friends.” Her words really struck me because when you get married you think of it as “your day” and that for one day you get to be the center of attention and be stars. She challenged me to realize that even though it was our wedding, it still wasn’t all about us. Just as our wedding day was not all about us, but an opportunity for our parents and family members to celebrate a joyous occasion, our marriage is not all about us either. When our marriage is strong, we model for our kids what a good and healthy marriage looks like. When our marriage is strong, we model for others a healthy marriage and can be a source of encouragement to other married couples. On the flip side, if Mia and I allow our relationship to weaken and don’t invest in our relationship then we will leave a bad impression to our kids about marriage. Eventually our poor marriage will leak out into all our relationship. Your marriage is not just about you. Our marriage is not just about us. So when we take time to invest in our relationship and our marriage it isn’t selfish. It is an investment in our kids and has a positive ripple effect onothers. In a couple of weeks, we are getting a weekend away together. When I tell others we will be getting away together, I receive a sense of shock that we are able to get away. In addition, I get an impression they think it is a good idea but it would be impossible for them because of their other responsibilities. I believe many couples would like to have a weekend together from time to time or make time for date nights, but think it would be irresponsible. It is irresponsible not to invest in the most important relationship you have outside your relationship with God. Culture or work may press against time together, but you need to fight back. I guarantee, if you pray and look for an opportunity to get away or to have date nights together, God will grant you that desire. Do you feel selfish arranging or date nights and time away with your spouse?