Bedtime Stories

Mia puts the kids to bed most nights and reads stories to our younger two children, but Sunday night is my time to put them to bed as she is at her small group. I have been learning to try and enjoy that time and slow down. I used to rush it because on Sunday night I am tired after working all day and being around people, which wears me out as an introvert.

 Two things have helped me to slow down and enjoy putting the kids. The first is the countless times I have been told by people to enjoy this time. Parents with teenagers and older adults have shared with me how precious this time is with little children. A few times I have heard the expression that the days are long, but the years are short. So I have been trying to remind myself that in the not too distant future I might be yearning for the times the little ones sat on my lap and I could kiss their cheeks.

A second key I found to simply enjoying this time and slowing down is the books I choose to read to them. To be blunt, there are a bunch of crappy children’s books. There are books that are just a drudgery to read that I find myself trying to plough through so I can just “get it over with.” Someday when no one is around or I get permission I am just going to purge all the books I just cannot stand. I cannot stand the books that talk about what people do all day or just show shapes or colors. I’m not an educator but I really doubt they do any good for children and they are torture to read.

I have found that good children’s books have a few elements. First, like any good story there is a story, it is going somewhere. Obviously, the stories aren’t epics or major tragedy or dramas but there is a story. There is a feeling of movement.

Second, great children’s books have a cadence to them. There is a rhythm to them and they are fun to read aloud. There are fun phrases to repeat and I can get into them. One of my favorite books is Click Clack Moo: Cows That Type. The book keeps repeating, “Click, Clack, Moo. Click, Clack Moo. Clickety, Clack Moo.” It is just fun to read aloud.

My favorite children’s book is Duck on a Bike by David Shannon is about a duck riding a buck and the different responses by the farm animals. While reading the book aloud, it is very easy to get into the character of each animal.

Third, great children’s books tend to have repetition. The story is going somewhere, but a line or phrase or something gets repeated over and over again. It is a phrase that is often fun to say but also moves the story along.

Below are some books I like to read to my kids. What books do you like to read to children?

Duck on A Bike by David Shannon

Click Clack Moo: Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin

How I Became a Pirate by Melinda Long and David Shannon

If you give a mouse a cookie by Laura Numeroff

How do dinosaurs series by Jane Yolen and Mark Teague

Where the wild things are by Maurice Sednak

Frog and Toad are Friends – Arnold Lobel

Owl at home – Arnold Lobel

Wounding Our Kids' Hearts

Our three older boys are playing baseball. This month my  Saturday mornings have been spent at the baseball field from about 8:30 to 12:30 as we have T-ball game, Coach pitch game and then practice for Max which I (Tom) run as the team’s manager.

This past weekend, Nate made two great plays in the field at his T-ball game. When he made the plays, I missed them. I was sure to watch Nate when he came to bat, but usually at T-ball games there isn’t much to watch out in the field so I was paying attention to our two youngest kids. After Nate came of the field, he asked me, “Did you see my plays?” I admitted to Nate that I had missed them. I tried to then tell him I had seen his hits, but that wasn’t the same. I saw the hurt in his eyes that I had missed his plays – plays some other adults had complimented him on.

It was painful to see the hurt in his eyes and yet I don’t believe I could have done anything differently. I was paying attention to my other kids and I don’t want to begin a habit of lying to my kids. It was a reminder that as a parent, I am going to wound my children’s hearts. I am going to hurt their hearts. I don’t want to, but it will happen. Sometimes I will wound them because they will have expectations I just won’t meet. Sometimes I will wound them because they will make me angry and I will yell at them. Either way, I am not perfect and so they will carry wounds as a result of my parenting – it is part of being in a fallen world.

The sooner we can admit the brutal fact we will wound our kids hearts, the sooner we can grow as parents. Knowing we will hurt our kids hearts will allow us to humble ourselves and apologize to them when we do hurt them. If we think we are immune to being wrong with our kids that will lead to a pride that will make us inaccessible to our children.

Knowing we will wound our kids prepares us emotionally to have conversations in the future with our children about their hurts and hang ups. I hope my sons and daughter can by pass the middle man of a counselor and just come to me and tell me that some of their fears or struggles are because I yelled at them or because I missed their great plays in a T-ball game. Our relationship is going to go further, faster if those conversations don’t irritate me, but I am prepared for them.

Do you agree that it is inevitable that we will wound our kids’ hearts?

Not Just About Us

Leading up to our wedding day (almost 14 years ago now), I (Tom) made a comment to my mother in-law to the effect that since it was our wedding and all about us, that really all the decisions about the wedding should be left up to us. My mother in-law responded to this effect, “It isn’t just about you. We are inviting our friends and family to celebrate this day. Your parents are celebrating this day with their friends.” Her words really struck me because when you get married you think of it as “your day” and that for one day you get to be the center of attention and be stars. She challenged me to realize that even though it was our wedding, it still wasn’t all about us. Just as our wedding day was not all about us, but an opportunity for our parents and family members to celebrate a joyous occasion, our marriage is not all about us either. When our marriage is strong, we model for our kids what a good and healthy marriage looks like. When our marriage is strong, we model for others a healthy marriage and can be a source of encouragement to other married couples. On the flip side, if Mia and I allow our relationship to weaken and don’t invest in our relationship then we will leave a bad impression to our kids about marriage. Eventually our poor marriage will leak out into all our relationship. Your marriage is not just about you. Our marriage is not just about us. So when we take time to invest in our relationship and our marriage it isn’t selfish. It is an investment in our kids and has a positive ripple effect onothers. In a couple of weeks, we are getting a weekend away together. When I tell others we will be getting away together, I receive a sense of shock that we are able to get away. In addition, I get an impression they think it is a good idea but it would be impossible for them because of their other responsibilities. I believe many couples would like to have a weekend together from time to time or make time for date nights, but think it would be irresponsible. It is irresponsible not to invest in the most important relationship you have outside your relationship with God. Culture or work may press against time together, but you need to fight back. I guarantee, if you pray and look for an opportunity to get away or to have date nights together, God will grant you that desire. Do you feel selfish arranging or date nights and time away with your spouse?

The Goal of Families

Not too long ago I (Tom) purchased a set of talks by John Eldrede called, “The Four Streams.” They are excellent messages and I have listened to them a few times now. I’d encourage anyone and everyone to listen to them. He had a message on our need to receive God’s counsel. And in the midst of the talk he said something about family that I thought so captured the mission and purpose of the family, while acknowledging the sad reality that families often fail to reach that goal.

So here is what John Eldredge said that stopped me in my tracks. He said, “The goal of family is to see your glory, affirm it, bless it, encourage it and release it upon the world. That rarely happens. The story of family tends to be a glory assaulted, a heart assaulted or simply missed.”

As parents, it we are charged to look out for our kids’ glory. By glory I would say we should be looking out for the strengths of our kids and helping them to identify it. Each person has a unique opportunity to be a reflection and image of the glory of God. God wishes to reveal his glory through each of our kids. He has given them strengths and abilities. Our children are his work of art.
As parents, we have more perspective than our kids. We understand them better than they understand themselves. As a parent, I can already see my son Nate has a generous heart and God may make him a generous giver in the future. So our role is see that glory in Nate, affirm the times he is generous and one day send him into the world as a generous person.

For many people though, the family is not the place where they were affirmed. In fact, many people feel like the family is the place they are most likely to be criticized and judged. The reality is that is the natural pull. If as parents, we don’t create a family culture in which strengths are celebrated and we build one another up then we will not release our kids into the world so that the glory of God is revealed through them.

There is much to be said about how to build a culture, but here are a few thoughts.
One, speak encouragement to your kids as you put them to bed. Lately I have been telling my kids as I put them to bed, “You are God’s work of art.” I have been basing this off of Ephesians 2:10. At other times I have said to them, “God has great plans for you” using Jeremiah 29:11 as an encouragement. The last words before bedtime can help them to know they have glory.

Second, when you see their strengths shine forth, praise them for it. Let them know when something is really exceptional for their age or when you are impressed by something they did.

Third, watch out for words of criticism. Words can build up, but words can wound. We certainly need to correct our kids, but we must watch out for how we correct them. The wrong words can wound them especially if we characterize them as “always” getting it wrong or “never” doing what we ask them to do. Or if we exaggerate their mistakes, they will doubt they have a glory to share with the world.

What do you think of Eldredge’s description of the family? Why does it rarely happen?

Kings

A few months ago, I (Tom) was trying to get my older sons Max, Gus and Nate to do something, which I cannot recall. When my kids were slow to get moving, I said to them, “I am the king, you are the knights and…” before I could finish my sentence my daughter Elsa said, “And I am the princess.” That brought joy to my heart and I said, “Yes, Elsa, you are the princess.”

What I had intended to say to my sons and I think eventually did say was that as the knights in the family, their role is to obey the king and follow the orders of the king, which is me and Mia who is the queen.

As a father, I am the king of my house, I am the king of the castle. Every father is a king. Saying I am a king may sound egotistical or prideful, but being a king does not mean we get to tell everyone what to do so that they serve us. Our kingship over our house is not given for that purpose. The purpose of kings is to serve the people under him by bringing order and security to the realm. Under healthy kings, people flourish because his strength brings peace that allows people freedom to work and play. And by serving as king of the house by disciplining my kids and setting rules, I am teaching my kids to live under authority, that it is living under God’s authority that will bring maximum freed.

As a Christian father I am to take Jesus as my role model for kinship. Where is Jesus proclaimed king? He is proclaimed king on the cross, in his ultimate act of service, laying down his life. This must be our model for kingship. We are to use our strength and our authority to serve our family and not so that our family serves us. Recently I heard Perry Noble say, “My employees don’t exist to serve me. We are the Church and in the Church we serve one another.” The same is true for the family.
My role as a father is to see to it that we do serve one another.

Fathers have been given a special place in the family. We are to rule as kings. If we do not embrace that role we do a disservice to our wife and our children. If we fail to rule with servants’ hearts, we fail them as well.

What do you think of looking at the role of father as a king? Do you like it? Or do you find it offensive.

Kings

A few months ago, I (Tom) was trying to get my older sons Max, Gus and Nate to do something, which I cannot recall. When my kids were slow to get moving, I said to them, “I am the king, you are the knights and…” before I could finish my sentence my daughter Elsa said, “And I am the princess.” That brought joy to my heart and I said, “Yes, Elsa, you are the princess.”

What I had intended to say to my sons and I think eventually did say was that as the knights in the family, their role is to obey the king and follow the orders of the king, which is me and Mia who is the queen.

As a father, I am the king of my house, I am the king of the castle. Every father is a king. Saying I am a king may sound egotistical or prideful, but being a king does not mean we get to tell everyone what to do so that they serve us. Our kingship over our house is not given for that purpose. The purpose of kings is to serve the people under him by bringing order and security to the realm. Under healthy kings, people flourish because his strength brings peace that allows people freedom to work and play. And by serving as king of the house by disciplining my kids and setting rules, I am teaching my kids to live under authority, that it is living under God’s authority that will bring maximum freed.

As a Christian father I am to take Jesus as my role model for kinship. Where is Jesus proclaimed king? He is proclaimed king on the cross, in his ultimate act of service, laying down his life. This must be our model for kingship. We are to use our strength and our authority to serve our family and not so that our family serves us. Recently I heard Perry Noble say, “My employees don’t exist to serve me. We are the Church and in the Church we serve one another.” The same is true for the family.
My role as a father is to see to it that we do serve one another.

Fathers have been given a special place in the family. We are to rule as kings. If we do not embrace that role we do a disservice to our wife and our children. If we fail to rule with servants’ hearts, we fail them as well.

What do you think of looking at the

Our Kids Need Encouragement

A few weeks ago, I (Tom) was driving home with my kids. My oldest son Max was giving one of my other sons a hard time. Jokingly, I said to him, “Be easy on him like I am on you.”

Max replied, “You are hard on me.”
I replied, “When am I hard on you.”
“Every day.” He said.

His response hit me right in the heart. It hit me in the heart because I know that is the message he most receives from me. So much of my language is barking orders and making demands on him. So little of my language is encouraging him and pointing out the good things he does.

By nature, I am critical and not encouraging. My tendency is to set high expectations and then demand my kids reach those expectations. To be the parent I want to, I need to work on being more encouraging. As a father, I am the king of the family. My words and my kids' perception of how I see them weighs heavily upon them and makes a huge difference in their life.

Of course as parents we need to teach our children responsibility, but if our language is always the language of demands and requiring performance from our kids, two negative outcomes will happen. One, our kids will eventually run away from us. We are drawn to people who accept and encourage us. Little kids need their parents and so they will return to a relationship with their parents because they have no alternative. However, one our kids grow and mature, they will find approval and acceptance elsewhere. They will stay away from us, if not physically then emotionally.

The second outcome of constantly speaking to our kids in the form of demands and requirements I think is far worst. They will come to see this same image of their heavenly Father and their hearts will be drawn away from him. Many people run from God because they had demanding parents, especially demanding fathers who they thought they could never please and so they want no part of God. They feel like they escaped a demanding father, so why put themselves again under another demanding father.

To be the father, I want to be I need to learn to encourage my kids more. For me I think that requires two action steps.

First, I need to catch my kids doing good. Instead of looking for them to do wrong or only speaking to them when they do wrong, I need to see the good things they do and praise them for it.

Second, I need to watch my words and the ratio of criticism to encouragement. Research shows that for every word of criticism, we need 5 words of encouragement. When I am getting into critical demanding mode all the time, I know I need to encourage my kids through hugs and language that reflects my love for them.

Truett Cathy, founder of Chik Fil A once asked, “How do you know if someone needs encouragement?” Then he answered his own question. He said, “They’re breathing.” Our kids need encouragement every single day. May God give us the strenght to encourage them on a daily basis.

How do you encourage your kids?

Young and In Love

That was an interesting experience talking to engaged couples last Saturday. I really had this overwhelming desire to pour into them. I'm no marriage expert, I'll leave that to the 40th-ers and 50th-ers who duke it out that long.

But it struck me how green you are when you get married. I know I was. I think I was typical. There is so much that happily married "older" couples can help to prepare the Newbies. And yet, I don't know if most couples can absorb it.

Our friend Kathleen, who invited us to speak, said something about not being able to hear certain things when she was preparing for marriage. And I agree that I was probably the exact same way.

You are so IN LOVE. And you are busy with THE WEDDING. Who wants to hear some old farts going on about the rigors and trials of marital bliss?

So much is poured into the BIG DAY, but not much is invested in the BIG REST OF IT.

But that is what the newlyweds need. To hear the truth about marriage, so they can have the best marriage possible. It is a lifelong, character-shaping event, it is sometimes difficult, mostly awesome. It is totally worth it. And it takes investing in, even before the big day. (Mia)

Natural Family Planning Brings Success

Last week we did a presentation for the marriage preparation class at Nativity on Natural Family Planning. In preparing for the presentation we did some research. In looking at the figures, the disparity between two figures struck me. 41 percent of first marriages end in divorce. On the other hand, couples that use Natural Family Planning have essentially a 99 percent success rate. Actually less than one percent of couples who use Natural Family Planning don’t go the distance and get a divorce.
Jesus said that we can evaluate practices and people by their fruit. I think the fruit of NFP shows its superiority to contraception. NFP is sadly the best kept secret in a successful marriage.

Why wouldn’t any newly married couple choose to go the route of NFP? This is the most important relationship you have outside of God, wouldn’t you do everything you could do to set it up for success. I understand many couples we were addressing were probably already having sex and using some form of artificial contraception, but my hope is that figure caused the couples we were addressing to pause. And I would really challenge any couple that had that information and believed us who chose to ignore that stat, how much they really valued their future marriage. If you want to win, do what proves to be successful. Don’t copy something that has a 40 percent failure rate.

What are your reactions to that statistic on Natural Family Planning? Do you believe them?

Talkin' Smack

Over Christmas we took a walk one night with Mia’s brother Chris and his wife Jamie. On on our walk we were talking about telemarketers. Jamie said she had one telemarketer that kept calling her and bothering her. She said one time she was with her older son Declan who is five and the phone rang. She said to Declan, “That’s probably daddy.” Instead of being her husband, it was this telemarketer. Jamie said she was so fed up she yelled into the phone, “I told you never to call me ever again. Never call me again!!!” And she hung up the phone. Declan said, “Mommy, was that daddy?” Jamie assured him that it wasn’t Chris. Declan responded, “You would never talk to daddy like that, right? You would never tell him not to call you, right?”

We laughed when we heard that story, but it was also a great reminder that the best way for us to love our kids is to love our spouse. Our kids find stability when there is stability in our relationship.

(Mia) Honestly I hate it when I hear a wife call her husband a name or vice versa. It sends out a cloud of poison and disrespect. Everyone can relate to being mad at your spouse and being tempted to vent at them, but when you know your kid is looking up at you, their innocence and need for things to be good and true, has to overwhelm the situation. What makes that story so funny is the disparity between being clear and firm and loud to a telemarketer and the horror of Declan’s misunderstanding. “OF COURSE, that wasn’t Daddy, how could it be? It couldn’t possibly be Daddy, because I would never send that vitriol toward him. I love him.”

I think some couples think it doesn’t matter, the little reactions to a spouse, but that is a lie. All it does is lay the foundation, comment by comment, utterance by utterance for a final attitude shift toward disrespecting and ultimately despising your spouse.

It takes hard work to just say what you feel without dropping bombs. It makes you vulnerable. It feels safer hiding behind ridicule, names and sarcasm. It’s so much easier to get mad than just address the issue. But that’s not where love is. It will never be found there. Love is direct. And vulnerable. Love hides out in the open when you just say what’s on your mind and in your heart. Taking that risk challenges your spouse to respond in kind.

(Tom) Harsh and disrespectful words towards our spouse not only harms our relationship with our spouse, it harms our kids and weakens their future relationships.

Generations

A few weeks ago, I (Tom) was staring at pictures of our kids. As I looked at them, I began to thank God for each of them. After a few minutes, I felt inspired to begin praying not only for them, but for their children and their children’s children, and generations to come. I began praying for descendants we don’t even know, but will only exist because of our marriage.

When it comes to marriage, we often get caught in the mundane and the daily aspects of life. However, it is vital to remember how much really depends on our marriages and families. We not only are impacting our kids and their lives, we are impacting generations in some way. The choices we make now and our willingness to model for our kids a healthy marriage will continue to have an impact long after we are gone.

Isaiah 59 says, “And as for this is my covenant with them, says the Lord: my spirit which is upon you, and my words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouth of your children, or out of the mouth of your children’s children says the Lord, from this time forth and forevermore.”

(Mia) It is definitely true that we model what they will come to expect in marriage. That perspective gives me an urgent motivation to do what I need to do to be a loving wife. It is so easy to get mad and petty in disputes, and there have been times when I have forced myself to address an issue or apologize for the sake of the kids. I didn’t want to, or wasn’t ready to, but I knew I had to. I want them to look forward to marriage, if that is God’s plan for them, with joy and truth.

So I have also prayed for them, asking God to bless our kids with good spouses. People who love God first, love their faith and are committed to reflecting God’s love to my kids. Our daughter Elsa asked me one night before bedtime, “Mama, who am I going to marry?” She is 3. And though I was sorely tempted to tell her what types NOT to marry, I told her, he has to be a good man, like her Papa. I hope she listens, because he is definitely giving her a standard to aim for and paving the way for a good future.

How does thinking of future generations impact your approach to marriage?